Wednesday, March 28, 2007


Kevin Federline. Poop. Et al.

I would like to state for the record that Kevin Federline's handlers have, to this moment, ignored last week's retort to their first ignoring. Bastards. Incidentally, while telling my older sister the saga, she stopped me and said, "So wait. I'm still caught up on the fact that A) you knew he had a search engine, B) you went to it and actually searched on it with hopes of a prize and C) pester their webmasters about grammar?!" Clearly, she doesn't feel my pain. And she's totally missing the point. Clearly. Pashaw.

And with absolutely no attempt at even the slightest of segues:

I got to watch a colonoscopy (pooper on up) yesterday -- and then a subsequent endoscopy (pie hole on down) -- don't worry, the classic joke says, they changes the tubes in between procedures. I've been courting a pretty involved love affair with fiber for nearly a year now. Yeah, yeah, fiber = poo, but it's so important to understand why that's... important, man.

Most of the most Americans do not get anywhere near their daily recommended fiber intakes -- roughly (ha! roughly) 25-35g a day. Fiber's main function in the body is to huddle around fat globules and carry it out of the body -- and slick up the pipes in the process. Otherwise, fat roams free and makes a beeline, generally, for your ass. That's why it's ok to have a higher fat food if the fiber is high, too. Not that too many exist.

When you're getting your daily fiber (I won't split hairs here about soluble and insoluble fiber, both good, but you all know how to work google.), you are reducing your cholesterol, promoting your heart's health, dodging colon cancer (cause, I'm not going to lie and tell you anything can stick around long enough in the pipes to even think about cancer when you're getting your daily fiber), and for the ladies, with your daily fiber, it can prevent up to about 230 calories from being absorbed and later signing a lease in your ass. That's a candy bar. Seriously. A good candy bar. I read a recent study that said that for athletes who are familiar with the pre-competition "carb-loading" might benefit more from "fiber-loading" instead.

There's a really great product out now -- and it's the most evolved product of a long line of past products (Metamucil, etc)-- called FiberSure. It's in the vitamin section of the store in a big blue bottle. Each teaspoon is 5g of fiber and it dissolves completely and, more importantly, tastelessly into anything -- ANYTHING. I put it in spaghetti sauce, yogurt, coffee, anything. Yeah, we're pretty regular in this house.

So much is being said these days about whole wheat, whole grain products. Read the label to be sure. But on the upside, there are so many better tasting products that are delivering more fiber per serving -- which really makes getting all your fiber so much easier. Whole wheat pasta, for example, sucks. But, Barilla Plus (in the yellow box) is a whole wheat pasta that doesn't taste anything like whole wheat, but still has all the goodness in it. And potato bread -- who doesn't like potato bread? Try the whole wheat version -- 4g per slice -- with all that potato bread goodness.

In any case -- back to the colonoscopy. Dude was having some issues with the pooper (I won't get gross about the details). As we're all taking this vicarious trip through his colon, you can see what years of bad eating does to a pooper, and in turn, a body. Uclers, diverticula and general irritations. I leaned over to the nurse and said, "What causes all of this, really?" and she whispered back, "What prevents it is easy. Fiber, fiber, fiber." I leaned back into the corner (because that's where all health care students (medical, nursing, etc.) all end up at some point -- smashed into a corner so they can watch, but surely to not be in the way.) with a big grin.

I get a lot of flack (I was going to say "crap", but that seemed, somehow, inappropriate here) from my close-bys about how I'm always, ahem, tooting the fiber horn. Well, here it is. It's a good horn to toot. Keeps weight off, promotes health of so many body systems and hell, you end up so regular you can set your watch by it.

The moral here is eat more fiber. Oh, and boycott Kevin Federline.

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